The beginning of an end

Learning to romanticise life and live in the present before it becomes a memory

As I see the road sign for Sheffield ahead, a wave of excitement and melancholy runs through me. I cannot wait to be back in the city that I made my own. One I discovered by myself and where I am surrounded by so much love and happiness. One that holds a Uni house that 5 girls have turned into a home. One that smells of freshly baked cookies, is covered full of posters of their favourite musicians and that shakes with the sound of music coming from their record players on full blast. It’s girlhood at its finest. I feel so fortunate to get one more year in this place that holds my heart and all my memories. But I can’t help but feel sad when I’m in these happy moments. I always want to hold onto them so badly because I know they'll quickly become just a memory. And as much as I want to hold onto the present, time will soon prevail itself as the thief it always is.

So as I enter my Uni town and point to the libraries I've spent endless hours in and the coffee shops I've spent all my money on, I sink back into my seat in silence. I try to absorb it all at once. This is the last time I’ll be driving to my Uni town with a car- boot full to the brim of my things and the excitement of starting a new year. This is the final year. But with endings comes new beginnings and uni’s not over just yet.

Something about the September air feels hopeful. Thousands of new students with a fresh start and wide eyes, motivated for the year ahead. Everyone is modelling their best first day outfits with their headphones on as they listen to their favourite songs on full blast. They’re trying to hide the anxious look on their face as they walk into their lecture theatre, hoping it's the right one. Plant sales in the student union and free tote bags being handed out left, right and centre. Freshers with their google maps on and 3rd years huffing at them for standing still in the middle of the pavement. It's the same every year and I find comfort in the familiarity.

The leaves are slowly starting to brown and autumn is just around the corner. Which means that knitted jumpers will soon become my uniform. Autumn just feels like a new beginning. A new Uni year, a new wardrobe, hot drinks, crisp mornings, comfort movies and halloween decorations. It’s all of my favourite things in a season. I’m not sure how a season can be motivating but it is. Maybe it’s something to do with channelling that inner Rory Gilmore academic girl persona. Maybe it's the crochet scarfs, chunky doc martens, oversized leather jackets, ribbons in your hair and all the earthy toned clothing.

I think there's beauty in autumn and romanticising going back to uni. Waking up early and putting on a cute outfit and walking to Uni listening to your new spotify playlist. Getting that 2pm coffee mid- library break for a little treat. Coming home when it's twilight and cooking with your best friends, whilst all watching some cheesy reality show. Then retreating back to your room, lighting your candles, getting into your cosy pyjamas and winding down for bed. These simple things are all just a part of your daily routine, but if you romanticise them they can make the mundane so much more exciting. Become your own pinterest inspirations i think.

I want to make the most out of my final year of uni, take any opportunity and be a ‘yes’ person. However, that's not always realistic. There’s so much pressure to have fun and spend time with your friends as this is your last year, but there's just so much on your plate. First of all the pressure to find a job to keep you financially stable and then you’re lucky enough to get one, but that’s not enough. Now you must get as much work experience as you can before uni ends for any chance of being hired. So you’re endlessly trying to find internships but all there is is unpaid experience in another part of the country that you’re meant to be able to fund by yourself. It's just all unrealistic, nothing is enough anymore. The never ending to do list is daunting and exhausting.

Maybe my attraction to Gilmore Girls is a bit more deep rooted than loving autumn and comfort shows. I guess I always related to Rory Gilmore in a way. Star student in high school to then realising you’re just one of many clever people at university and you’re not even in the top 10% anymore. A part of you wants to give up, because if i'm not even the best in my class then how am I meant to beat all the other contenders for a job in the future. It's a constant feeling of never being enough. Always average. 'Always an angel, never a god' as Boygenius explains it. A 'mirrorball' as Taylor Swift says, always trying to perform and be the best, whilst you're breaking inside.

I think we're so critical and put so much pressure on ourselves nowadays. With social media too, there's a way to see everyone's lives all the time and allow constant comparison. I'm just trying my hardest and hoping what is meant for me will be. For now I’m scrapping any 5 year plan and just trying to plan for what I can see in front of me and the things that I can control. I’m no longer denying that university is actually ending and soon I’ll have to enter the working world. Because I know it’ll be okay because I know myself.

It’s okay to be scared of change and new beginnings. But I think we all forgot that we’ve done this before. We’ve moved to a new city, made new friends and navigated university all by ourselves. Change is inevitable but the more we face them head one the stronger we will become.