The journey to knowing and loving yourself

Knowing who you are and developing your self love is so important in your teens and 20s. But should you truly love yourself before getting into a relationship and love another person?

I think being alone my whole life has really allowed me to get to know myself. And when I say ‘alone’ I’m not saying I’ve lived on a desert island stranded my whole life. Essentially I mean I’ve had no romantic relationships my whole life. I am very independent person so I have never actively been looking for a partner, as I've always been so focused on working on myself. As well, I am never going to change myself in order for someone to love me and I’d honestly say that that is one of things I’m most proud of.

Don’t get me wrong, being single isn’t always fun. It can be lonely sometimes and when you see those couples hopelessly in love with one another, you become envious. However, all the couples I actually grew up around in school were actually the biggest deterrent for me wanting a relationship. Even from the age of 14, I saw my friends rely on a man to feel loved and they put all their self worth in these immature boy’s hands, and I would watch them shatter it in seconds. That’s when I swore to myself that I would never base my self love and worth off how a man treats or perceives me.

I think as well there is always such a big deal made about being in a relationship, as if being alone and being good within yourself isn’t enough. And this constant questioning of why one isn’t in a relationship starts as early as your teenage years. But when was what you did in life and how you are as a person become based on whether you are in a relationship or not. Surely people should value and respect you as an individual, not base you off whether you are deemed ‘loveable’ or not. Ben Esqueda’s poem on the left talks about how life’s happiness and your self worth should not be defined as you being in a relationship. Activities in life should not be seen as something you must do with someone else. You can take yourself out for dinner and have a takeaway and movie night just for you. You are creating a loving environment for yourself and you are developing your self love. We don’t need to rely on another person for our happiness, as we are enough. When we learn to love ourselves, I think romantic love will follow and you will be ready for it.

I feel like I’ve always been a bit behind in the romance department anyway. I went to a Catholic school and we were very much shielded from the real world, real relationships and sex education. In a way I like how my innocence was kind of protected for a few extra years and I could remain a kid just a little bit longer. But as an adult I can’t help at getting angry at how unprepared I felt for the real world and real relationships. When I hear some of the things my uni friends were doing at 14 I feel a bit silly that I was still going to the sweet shop then with my friends. But then I think this prolonged innocence led to my school friends throwing themselves into unhealthy relationships at 16 or 17, just to say they’ve experienced something.

I think getting into a relationship at a young age can be hard. Your brain is still developing and I found myself to be most insecure as a young girl. I think sometimes you can fall into this trap of relying on male attention as validation of your beauty and as a cure for your insecurities. This can then be a hard cycle to break as you get older. When you're 14 you're not thinking about how your current relationship could leave a long lasting effect on how you are in future relationships and what you seek for in a partner, whether that is attention or validation.

I think one of the best things I’ve ever done was not getting into a relationship at 16. For me I think that was when I was most insecure and probably wanted a relationship most. I wanted to fast track to the end of my insecurities and I thought compliments and attention from men would be the cure for that. How wrong I was. I remember being 18 and coming out of the other end of the lowest two years I had felt within myself. I was talking to my 16 year old cousin, Isobel, and I remember stressing the importance of being on your own and finding yourself in your teenage years. Everyone tells you the importance of being alone in your 20s and discovering yourself and life itself. But i think it’s so much more beneficial to know yourself and have self love in your teenage years to prepare you for your 20s. In my 20s I want to experience new relationships and explore love and I know I am ready to do that because I have such a strong sense of self love and worth. I know what I am worth and what I can bring to the table and I am never going to settle for just anyone. But I feel like I would never be so sure of myself if I didn’t truly get to know myself and practise my self love in my teens.

I think lockdown really helped me with practising self love. I’d kind of hit my lowest point of how I felt within myself and my insecurities were constantly eating away at me. But that time alone allowed me to take a step back and look at myself, away from the external influences, thoughts and perceptions of me. The only person who could criticise me, was me. So I started to unlearn my self deprecating behaviour and understand who I am. Why I feel certain ways, how to handle my emotions and how to turn my insecurities into self love exercises.

I no longer feel the urge to beat myself up over how I look and whether I am good enough for people. I no longer obsess over comparing my looks and body to my friends and I no longer cry myself to tears when I see a bad photo of myself. It’s just a bad angle. And that’s also what I have to tell my body dysmorphia. I look different in every single photo, mirror or even window reflection I’ve ever looked at. But instead of stressing over that, I’ve learnt to change my mindset. Photos have bad angles, mirrors can distort you just by the way it's built or fitted and am I really going to cry over how I look in a car window reflection. Start to not give a fuck about what you look and more about how others percieve you. I want to be percieved as a good person and a good friend. That’s what I want to be known for, not how I look.

Although I sit here and say don’t date anyone in your teens and learn self love instead, I’m not saying that this works for everyone. You can have romantic love in your teenage years first and master your self love later on in life. Life is a journey and I truly believe we are all on the right path and everything happens for a reason. I was able to find the positives in not being in a relationship at a young age and I wouldn’t change it for the world. But you can learn about yourself from being in a relationship too.

Virginia Woolf once said, “Unless I am myself, I am nobody” and this really highlights the importance of not only self love but also truly getting to know yourself. People may say this sounds stupid, like how do you not know yourself, it's your body and mind that you’ve grown up with. But it is so easy to feel lost within your self and your identity. You must learn who you are and don’t let anyone morph you into what they want you to be. You are your own person, you are unique and you don’t have to force yourself into a box just to please others. Finding out what cheers you up on a sad day, what your music taste is, what your love language is and knowing your own boundaries in life and love are just some examples of how important it is to know yourself.

I think getting to know myself from a younger age has really helped me from not taking shit off other people. I do not let people walk all over me and I hold people accountable for when they have upset me. I stand up for what I believe in because I am so strong in my own views. You must be able to take a step back in situations and know that you are being respected. Knowing what is right for you is so important, I can't stress it enough.

So whether you feel pressured by the world to be in a relationship, you’ve just come out of a relationship or are just feeling really lost right now, believe me when I say that the key to anything is self love. You’ve got to know and love yourself before you can love others and accept love. You cannot rely solely on external love from others as then you will be in this constant cycle of searching for someone to fill this void. When in reality the person who can always make yourself feel whole is you. Love should not define you or make you, and a relationship should not become your life’s purpose. A relationship and love should not become your life, it must add to your life and someone else’s needs should not always be put above yours. You are your main focus and you should always prioritise that. Let go of things that are no longer serving you, learn to set boundaries for your own well being and retrain those negative thoughts into positive affirmations. You wouldn’t pick apart and say such hurtful things to your friends, so why do it to yourself. When Alanis Morissette said, “To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one’s crueller than I’ve been to me.” it really spoke to me. We must stop being so harsh on ourselves and be patient with ourselves.

Don’t rush your healing process and truly take time to get to know yourself, as that is the person who is going to be there for you your whole life.