Wanting to be great or nothing

How can you overcome the feeling of never being enough and beat one's biggest enemy… perfection?

How are we supposed to accept going from the best to average? An average writer, poet, dancer, painter. A woman of average beauty and style. In a world where it is almost impossible to be the best, how are we meant to accept this? Constant comparison, where there is always someone better in front of you, how can we not be critical of ourselves? When we were little we wanted to be something new everyday. A scientist, a popstar, an astronaut- anything we dreamed of we wholeheartedly and innocently believed we could be it. But as external influences infiltrated our minds, we learnt the impossibility of achieving most of these goals. Only the best of the best get this, and I soon learnt that I’m not the best, just average. And average doesn’t make it.

I want people to look at me and say that this is my calling, I was made for this. Being a creative person can be hard as you express yourself and your passion through so many different outlets. However, a lot of the time it is very hard to translate that into a job in the working world, or at least something you can make a living wage off. Creativity cannot be measured on an intellectual scale like exam results, awards or mathematical knowledge. Sometimes I wish the skill of creating a story through paint strokes, lines and lyrics on a page were praised to a much higher level.

I remember watching Greta Gerwig’s adaptation of ‘Little Women’ for the first time and feeling this empathy towards the character Amy March. Amy March is for the girls who have never learnt to bite their tongue or find beauty in silence and gentleness. They are brash and their own harshest critics. No matter how much time and effort they put into their passions, they never believe their work is enough. When Amy March said, “Talent isn’t genius, and no amount of energy can make it so. I want to be great or nothing”, I felt that in my soul. I don’t want to be wasted potential but what if my potential isn’t good enough.

Taylor Swift described it best in her song ‘Mirrorball’. A mirrorball is something that hangs there in the sky, waiting for people to look at it. It wants to hold your attention and for you to remember its beauty. Taylor described a mirrorball as something that is broken a million times and that is what makes them so shiny. She said that, “we have people like that in society. They hang there and when they break it entertains us.” In the song she claims that these ‘mirrorball people’ are not naturals in what they do. They constantly want to keep people entertained so they keep looking at them. This feeling of never being enough is everywhere, even in inanimate objects. Some of the most beautiful people feel like they must constantly be changing and adapting to keep people interested. We must keep performing, keep the applause going and be perfect, even when we’re breaking inside. Everyone is trying their hardest to be noticed, whether that’s in their work, beauty or in a room full of people. It’s that feeling of wanting to stand out but the inherent fear of being too loud or too much. It’s the fear of speaking out for help or admitting defeat. It’s the inevitable pipeline from people pleaser to burnout.

Perfectionism can be debilitating and I especially think women struggle with this as it has always been built in us that we must be perfect and not to question or speak out. It's so hard to unlearn this feeling of learning to give up before trying. We’d rather show nothing rather than expose our failed attempts. Perfection is the enemy of completion and I think this is the reason why so many of us feel so empty or unfulfilled in our lives. We criticise every element of our lives when in reality the world does not stop if something isn’t perfect.

Sometimes you feel like you’re living life on the outside. You’re “always an angel, never a god” as BoyGenius wrote. You’re always the writer, never the muse. Always the dreamer, never the dream. Always an option, never the choice. Always remembering, never remembered. Always too much, never just enough. Always watching from afar, never experiencing.

I think that when you constantly fear failure and vulnerability you try to control everything. But this can trap you in this state of not living. We need to fail and explore new things and not be the best at them as this is what living life is. It’s learning and exploring and living in the moment. After all, the root of the word amateur comes from the latin word ‘amatore’, which means ‘to do something for the love of it’. Not everything must be done to perfection but it can always be done with soul and love.